the place between peace and confusion

you know that place between peace and confusion? i'm kind of there. i've been praying a lot about going to youth haven this summer, and, i don't know, i'm kind of feeling like, once again, there is nothing holding me back (besides school, which could be done while there). i'm excited about it. and i've felt such a call to simply SERVE. and that place has my heart. so whether or not i work there for the whole summer, i want to be involved.
but then yesterday someone asked me, "well, do you need to start saving some money? would it be more realistic for you to get a job that pays better?" and my immediate reaction was, i don't care!!! but i didn't say that to the person. i just feel such an ease about NOT getting a "real" job and not making a ton of money. yes, i would be much more comfortable and i wouldn't feel guilty buying coffee and lunch when i'm out at school. but... i don't know... i guess in my heart of hearts, i know that God is not looking for me to be comfortable. if anything, He is looking for me to be stretched... for me to stretch my muscles to their furthest extent, like i talked about in my last post. and he'll take care of the rest.
it's funny, because growing up, and really up until the last few years, i have always been the realistic, money saving, future planning person. and now i just want to go and live off of what i make! it's weird thinking that way, but at the same time, i know that it is possible with God. and maybe someday i will have money stashed in the bank, but for now, i want to take advantage of not being tied down by anything. i'm not tied down by a job. i'm not tied down by my own place. this might be the last year that i can say that, and that i can feel good about not having a job and not having my own place, because i can think and serve. sometimes i feel guilty being "lazy" in those regards, but i'll take it as a blessing for now. oh! and then i'll somehow find a fabulous job down the road and i'll be able to put my money into something good! yup. that's what i'll do. see... there i go planning again.